Ever get that tingling sensation when a song you've never ever heard before suddenly enters your life at the most eerily appropriate of times? I've had this experience lately with "Consuming Fire," a song from one of Hillsong's older CDs (but I believe the singer is the guy from Delirious?).

Anyway...that first verse says exactly how I've been feeling lately: that surely there must be more to life than what I've been seeing.

To catch y'all up on some things, my relationship with this girl I've been obsessing over has greatly diminished over the course of the past two weeks. I...I don't know what it is. But it's been 100% my fault. Absolutely. At some point, I suddenly realized I did not want to date her. At all. The thought of actually dating another girl frightened me to no end. I so wasn't ready. Not yet anyway. And so immediately in the wake of this realization, I sorta cut down my contact with her. I IM'd her less, texted her less, etc. She even blew up at me two Sundays ago, claiming that the friendship had suddenly become one-sided. Ouch.

She was spot-on.

Since then it's become somewhat less awkward between us...but I still make it a conscious point to chat with her less online. I don't know how to explain it, but suddenly I just feel...well, somewhat repelled by her. And we've been best friends since 10th grade. What's the deal? I guess I just don't want to hurt her. She told me last Sunday that she wanted to talk with me about something soon, and I can only imagine it has something to do with romantic feelings.

Bah...why is this is so complicating?

Amidst all this best friend / girl drama, I still (futilely) search for a job and try to figure out my future. Neither of which is proving all too fruitful right about now. And so with all this stress, I've been acting out via porn and masturbation. I'm way past the point of, "NOOOOO GOD I'M SORRRRRRY." Now it's more, "God...why? Why does this stuff continually have such a pull over me? What am I doing or not doing right? What's...missing?"

I need a change. I've known this for quite some time now, but I'm only feeling it more intensely now. There must be more than this. Surely, there must. I'm tired of this place I've called home for over ten straight years. I need to start a new chapter. To put it in writer's terms, I need a new setting, a new plot, new characters surrounding me; heck, I need an entirely new book.

But where oh where to go? Therein lies the problem: I know I need change, and yet I know not how to achieve it. I have no idea where I'd move to, what I'd do there, and how I'd sustain myself. But I know I need to go.

I've said it countless times to myself and to other people: I'm so glad God's given me this novel to work on right now. Without it, I truly think I'd be twirling around in an insane asylum right now. This story has most definitely kept me grounded and given me something to shoot for in the coming months. So, at least that. But still...there must be more than this.

I'm joining a fellow brother this week in an internet fast. Been needing a week like this for several weeks now, honestly. In the coming week I look forward to spending my time hopefully a little more wisely, and more importantly listening to what God may be trying to tell me right now about life.

Please pray for me, guys. I just...wanna know what's happening right now.