There must be more than this O breath of God, come breathe within There must be more than this Spirit of God, we wait for You Fill us anew we pray...
Ever get that tingling sensation when a song you've never ever heard before suddenly enters your life at the most eerily appropriate of times? I've had this experience lately with "Consuming Fire," a song from one of Hillsong's older CDs (but I believe the singer is the guy from Delirious?).
Anyway...that first verse says exactly how I've been feeling lately: that surely there must be more to life than what I've been seeing.
To catch y'all up on some things, my relationship with this girl I've been obsessing over has greatly diminished over the course of the past two weeks. I...I don't know what it is. But it's been 100% my fault. Absolutely. At some point, I suddenly realized I did not want to date her. At all. The thought of actually dating another girl frightened me to no end. I so wasn't ready. Not yet anyway. And so immediately in the wake of this realization, I sorta cut down my contact with her. I IM'd her less, texted her less, etc. She even blew up at me two Sundays ago, claiming that the friendship had suddenly become one-sided. Ouch.
She was spot-on.
Since then it's become somewhat less awkward between us...but I still make it a conscious point to chat with her less online. I don't know how to explain it, but suddenly I just feel...well, somewhat repelled by her. And we've been best friends since 10th grade. What's the deal? I guess I just don't want to hurt her. She told me last Sunday that she wanted to talk with me about something soon, and I can only imagine it has something to do with romantic feelings.
Bah...why is this is so complicating?
Amidst all this best friend / girl drama, I still (futilely) search for a job and try to figure out my future. Neither of which is proving all too fruitful right about now. And so with all this stress, I've been acting out via porn and masturbation. I'm way past the point of, "NOOOOO GOD I'M SORRRRRRY." Now it's more, "God...why? Why does this stuff continually have such a pull over me? What am I doing or not doing right? What's...missing?"
I need a change. I've known this for quite some time now, but I'm only feeling it more intensely now. There must be more than this. Surely, there must. I'm tired of this place I've called home for over ten straight years. I need to start a new chapter. To put it in writer's terms, I need a new setting, a new plot, new characters surrounding me; heck, I need an entirely new book.
But where oh where to go? Therein lies the problem: I know I need change, and yet I know not how to achieve it. I have no idea where I'd move to, what I'd do there, and how I'd sustain myself. But I know I need to go.
I've said it countless times to myself and to other people: I'm so glad God's given me this novel to work on right now. Without it, I truly think I'd be twirling around in an insane asylum right now. This story has most definitely kept me grounded and given me something to shoot for in the coming months. So, at least that. But still...there must be more than this.
I'm joining a fellow brother this week in an internet fast. Been needing a week like this for several weeks now, honestly. In the coming week I look forward to spending my time hopefully a little more wisely, and more importantly listening to what God may be trying to tell me right now about life.
Please pray for me, guys. I just...wanna know what's happening right now.
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord: a passion for Your Name...
Me oh my crayfish pie, lo and behold, today is my birthday!
My Xanga birthday, that is. I've been eyeing this 24th day of October all month long, wondering what exactly I would say. A fellow blogger also recently celebrated his one-year birthday/anniversary on Xanga and did a line-by-line comparison of his life from his first entry a year ago to his life today. Mighty clever, I must say.
I thought about doing something similar for this special post o' mine, but rather than go through my first entry line-by-line, I'll simply allow you the easily accessible opportunity of glancing back with me. Click here for that thrill ride. Ah, the memories...
I look at my life today and my life a year ago and see some glaring differences - many good (great, even), and some, well, not-so-good. Oddly enough, one year ago I had a better grip (...wrong word, perhaps) on masturbation than I do today. Same goes with the lovely viewing material I had some trouble with several weeks back. To date, the second half of 2008 remains the "purest" stretch of time I've ever had with regard to this struggle. I'm not sure why this year has been harder for me to stay pure. Even after attending the Exodus conference in July.
And yet despite currently struggling with P/M more than I did a year ago, I've been incredibly blessed by this online community of brothers. I don't say it enough in these posts, and I know I don't talk with you guys one-on-one enough, but I want you each to know that I deeply treasure your input, your encouragement, your prayers, and your friendship. A year ago I knew none of you - which is such a wild thought. Now, I can't imagine my life today without having come across this incredible community. From Xanga to Facebook to ZOMGREALLYFE at Exodus, it's been an absolute pleasure getting to know each of you. And I sincerely pray I'll get to know y'all better in the coming year. As well as come across some new faces.
Take a moment to pray for these newcomers. They're out there, searching...somewhere...
A year ago my life was a whole lot more structured than it is now. I was in my second-to-last semester of college, busy with classes and blessed to have a steady job on campus. One year later, I have neither of those two things. I'm certainly grateful for no longer having to deal with the former (...for now, anyway...), but I'm anxious about no longer possessing the latter. I've applied at various places around the city, but have yet to hear back from anyone. I still have a little bit of money saved away, but it will only last me to the end of the year, tops. Plus, I have to start paying student loans in December. So...I need a job. Again, your prayers would be quite welcomed right now.
One year ago I was writing stories for a creative writing class; one year later, I'm writing a novel. Pretty crazy. As a general update for those of you that may not know, I've already finished my first draft and gone ahead and made most of the major changes that needed to be made upon looking over it. I'm now almost one-third of the way through my second draft as I twist and tweak various little things here and there. I hope to finish this thang by year's end. And then start looking into publishing...yikes.
So, I'm kinda "floating" right now, but I'm trusting God. Which brings me to this last topic...
I just wanna close this special entry with a reminder to you all that God is faithful. Recently I'd been reading and hearing a lot about "the Name of God." Two or three mornings in a row during my quiet time, I'd read about God's Name being described as a "strong tower" (Proverbs 18:10) among other such comforting/rescuing things. And then when I went to church on Sunday (for the first time in nearly a month due to vacationing and sickness), what did my pastor start preaching about? The Name of God. Of course.
I've found that God speaks to me a lot through things "aligning" like that. The other day I had been thinking about the song, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller, and suddenly I got a random "chain-text" from a friend with that exact song playing in the background. Another time I heard a song at church that I hadn't heard in years, years, years, and after mentioning it on Facebook, another friend said she'd just heard the same song herself for the first time in years at her church. Just one of those great, random things. Gentle reminders.
I've never really thought about the Name of God as being more than just that: a name.
"Hey Justin!" "Hey Sally!" "Hey...God..."
But God's Name holds so much power. It's more than a Name. It's His character. His reputation. His unceasing faithfulness. Said David of the uber-scary Goliath, "The LORD, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine" (I Samuel 17:37). I dig David. Whereas the Israelite army and even his own brothers rebuked him, scared to death of this nine-foot wonder, it was so ridiculously clearly black-and-white for young David: God had been faithful so many times before. Why would He walk away from His children now?
(Spoiler: Goliath died.)
You guys have been so encouraging to me this past year, and I hope I've been able to offer just an ounce of that back to you in return. 2008-2009 has been quite interesting. Lots of ups...lots of downs. But through it all, He is faithful. And I can't wait to see what 2009-2010 brings.
I hope you'll continue along with me in this crazy venture of life in the many years to come. We will overcome...by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11).
I'm 22 years old, still trying to find my way in this ridiculous, crazy world. I believe with all my heart that God does have a personal plan for me along the narrow way. And yet day in and day out, I am beckoned to follow a completely different path. A path that, time after time, has only brought heartache. Since I arrived in XangaLand I've blogged my entire lifestory from the slant of my struggle with same-sex attraction. It's honestly been one of the most enriching experiences in my walk with Christ. Getting this story out online has been incredibly liberating, and on top of that, I've met some pretty amazing people - both online and even in person. I just attended the Exodus International Freedom Conference in Wheaton, IL and had a great time. Feel free to message or comment me anytime; I love hearing from people!