My family's back from Florida...but still haven't talked with my parents yet regarding the big reveal with my siblings...ugh. I'm still kinda looking for the right opportunity. Hopefully they'll bring up Exodus at some point this week (considering that I'll be leaving for Wheaton a week from tonight [CRAZY!]).

Your continued prayers...appreciated very much.

All rightey, I am back to conclude my story on my involvement with the "ORG" (online reality game) community. Before I really get into the second part though, I guess I should mention that me and Mikey (from the last post) have actually just begun our second game together. It's an "all stars" version from the same series we played in three summers ago. It's kinda weird for us to be playing together again three years later! But I'm excited for it. I hope we both last a long time in the game and we get to bond even more over this experience. I'll let y'all know how it goes as the summer progresses.

After I got voted out of my first game in the summer of 2006, I wasn't all too eager to play another one. It might sound silly, but it's not really a pleasant feeling to be rejected and voted out of a game by a bunch of people. Haha. But alas, after several months went by I found myself itching to play again. To do better.

So in March of 2007 I discovered another series to dive into. I applied for the fourth season in that series and got in. And I did do better this time, getting 5th place (compared to 10th last time). I had a lot more fun in this game, that's for sure. And I wound up sticking around in the following seasons with other fellow "alumni" of the series. And suddenly, twelve seasons in, it's a pretty robust community!

I played in an "all stars" version of this series last summer and didn't do so hot, but I developed some amazing bonds playing in that game. Again, these aren't just random, robotic entities playing the game - they're real people. Real people with real lives and real problems. 95% of whom don't have a personal relationship with Christ. I've definitely tried to shine His light in these opportunities the best I can.

There's one person in particular I'm really trying to shine for in this series. And he's none other than the host/founder of the series himself. He's only a year older than me so we're around the same age and everything. He believes in God, throws Jesus' name around his Facebook profile, and goes to church often.

And he just happens to be gay. Dating another guy.

I've never discussed my faith or his faith with him. But obviously I'm very curious and eager to do so someday. Because I honestly don't know what exactly he believes in. Me and him have a special kind of bond because out of all the alumni of his series, I've basically stuck around the longest. And I'll continue to stick around that series until he finally decides to hang it up. I often wonder if God randomly introduced me to this series just so I could potentially share my story with him.

My whole story. Same-sex attraction and all. The fact that he clearly believes in God and has some kind of recognition of Jesus Christ's identity strikes me as a bit of a "sign" that maybe I will indeed share my story with him someday.

In many ways I kinda look at him as what I'd be like if I stopped fighting my desires. I've seen and experienced too much in my life already to ever deny God's existence and Christ's saving power in my life. So even if I were in a million years to ever date and mess around with other guys...I honestly couldn't see my perspective of God changing. The question is though, how long could I live like that before God somehow brought me back to Him?

And so I wonder about this host. I wonder if living in this lifestyle will ever grow tiring and fruitless to him. I wonder if he truly is saved...how long will it take before God brings him back to Him? Is God just waiting on me to make a move and finally talk with him and open it all up? I don't know.

And so, there you have it. That's basically the story of my involvement with this "other" online community. On one side I have the greatest male friend I've ever had and yet have never met in person; on the other a guy committed to a boyfriend and yet dually a very spiritual person. I try to pray for both of these guys every day, along with the countless others I've come across in ORG-land. Real people.

And I hope they all see at least some glimpse of Christ in me.

Ugh, I hate that I've started slacking off with this blog. I really do. Especially considering that the past couple weeks since my last entry have been pretty amazing. Regarding the struggle, yes, but also just in general. I'm absolutely loving my life post-college.

Firstly, the novel is really starting to come along. This past Monday was my first day of actual writing after three weeks of planning and note-taking. I'm up to 4,750 words so far! Woohoo. Last weekend I started a video series on my Facebook that shall chart my progress with the novel. I think it came out pretty good! I hope to make new "episodes" every 2-3 weeks or so. Should be fun for both me and (hopefully!) "the fans." Haha, although maybe I can't actually have "fans" until I actually have something published first. Anyway, it's exciting and I look forward to making the second episode next weekend. If you're lucky enough to be my friend and haven't done so already, be sure to check out the first episode.

Regarding the struggle, I've definitely been doing well the past couple weeks after a rocky several weeks before that. The masturbation had started to get out of control again and I kept getting pulled back into watching things I knew fully well I shouldn't have been watching. It sucked. The 2+ hour hike I blogged about last time helped a little to clear my mind, but I wound up falling again later that week. I was feeling kinda frantic and helpless at that point, to be honest.

But then I went to church two Sundays ago...and it really did change my life. My pastor was reading from I Peter and his words just had a powerful grip on me that day. I forget the exact passage he read from, and quite frankly I'm too lazy right now to go research it, but at some point in the book Peter talks to his readers about abstaining from certain sins. Sexual ones included. My pastor said that surely many of us were struggling with a particular sin in our lives. I could only sit in silence as I went over this stupid struggle with lust and porn in my mind. He then became very blunt.

"Stop it!" he screamed.

My pastor, a pretty mild-mannered guy, isn't the loudest speaker ever. So his scream definitely caught my ears. And my attention. "Just stop it," he repeated. "No more!" he exclaimed. "Let today be the day that you just leave that sin all behind you."

Could it really be that simple? Everything within me was screaming NO, it's not that simple. This struggle is intertwined around my being like a Twizzlers stick. I can't just flip a switch inside of me and all of a sudden not feel like watching porn or even masturbating ever again.

Or can I? Could I really just "stop it"? As much as I wanted to say it couldn't be done, I came home from church that day swearing to do otherwise. To make a change. I sat at my desk and pulled out a couple sheet of paper.

And I wrote a letter to God.

I told Him how sorry I was for continuing to dwell in this endless cycle of sin. Even though He'd given me a huge wake-up call three years ago with Annie's death. Even though He's continued to bless my life with things like graduation from college, the start of my novel, and the greatest family in the world. I told Him I was so sorry...and I told Him I wanted today to be the day I left it all behind me. Today. I wrote for nearly two pages front-and-back and then signed my name at the end.

NO MORE.

I'm keeping the letter in my front desk drawer to look at as often as possible.

It almost seems impossible as I type this, quite honestly. Can I really go the entire rest of my life - fifty, sixty years perhaps - without EVER watching porn (or "pseudo-porn") again, without EVER masturbating again? But I look at that letter and see my sincere zeal to overcome this thing...and yes. Yes, I do believe I can do it. I'm not saying I'll stop struggling with SSA. I feel like this struggle is gonna be with me a long, long time (if not the rest of my life), and surely I'll have my good days and my bad ones as far as the thoughts in my head go. But the porn and masturbation? It has to stop. Those things have to be NO MORE in my life. I'm so indescribably sick of it. And I'm done with it.

During that service we sang one of my favorites ever, "Salvation is Here" by Hillsong United.



The great "coincidence" (aka God Thing) of it was that I had finally downloaded the song off iTunes a couple days before. So it had already been heavily playing in my head when we sang it during the service that day. I love the part that goes...


I'm totally putting those words on an index card and sticking them to my ceiling above my bed so they're the first things I see when I wake up each morning. Powerful stuff. No matter WHAT this psychotic world throws at me, God's made a way for me to escape it...and "it's gonna be all right."

Two weeks without porn and masturbation. It's a banner achievement for me after the rough patch I hit in the immediate aftermath of my graduation from college. But I truly feel like things are gonna be different this time. I went like 7-8 months without porn last year and only masturbated once during that stretch, so who's to say I can't do something like that again (and do even better than that)? Whenever I get tempted, I'm gonna pull out that letter in my desk drawer and remind myself of this new commitment to Him.

No more!