Ugh, I hate that I've started slacking off with this blog. I really do. Especially considering that the past couple weeks since my last entry have been pretty amazing. Regarding the struggle, yes, but also just in general. I'm absolutely loving my life post-college.
Firstly, the novel is really starting to come along. This past Monday was my first day of actual writing after three weeks of planning and note-taking. I'm up to 4,750 words so far! Woohoo. Last weekend I started a video series on my Facebook that shall chart my progress with the novel. I think it came out pretty good! I hope to make new "episodes" every 2-3 weeks or so. Should be fun for both me and (hopefully!) "the fans." Haha, although maybe I can't actually have "fans" until I actually have something published first. Anyway, it's exciting and I look forward to making the second episode next weekend. If you're lucky enough to be my friend and haven't done so already, be sure to check out the first episode.
Regarding the struggle, I've definitely been doing well the past couple weeks after a rocky several weeks before that. The masturbation had started to get out of control again and I kept getting pulled back into watching things I knew fully well I shouldn't have been watching. It sucked. The 2+ hour hike I blogged about last time helped a little to clear my mind, but I wound up falling again later that week. I was feeling kinda frantic and helpless at that point, to be honest.
But then I went to church two Sundays ago...and it really did change my life. My pastor was reading from I Peter and his words just had a powerful grip on me that day. I forget the exact passage he read from, and quite frankly I'm too lazy right now to go research it, but at some point in the book Peter talks to his readers about abstaining from certain sins. Sexual ones included. My pastor said that surely many of us were struggling with a particular sin in our lives. I could only sit in silence as I went over this stupid struggle with lust and porn in my mind. He then became very blunt.
"Stop it!" he screamed.
My pastor, a pretty mild-mannered guy, isn't the loudest speaker ever. So his scream definitely caught my ears. And my attention. "Just stop it," he repeated. "No more!" he exclaimed. "Let today be the day that you just leave that sin all behind you."
Could it really be that simple? Everything within me was screaming NO, it's not that simple. This struggle is intertwined around my being like a Twizzlers stick. I can't just flip a switch inside of me and all of a sudden not feel like watching porn or even masturbating ever again.
Or can I? Could I really just "stop it"? As much as I wanted to say it couldn't be done, I came home from church that day swearing to do otherwise. To make a change. I sat at my desk and pulled out a couple sheet of paper.
And I wrote a letter to God.
I told Him how sorry I was for continuing to dwell in this endless cycle of sin. Even though He'd given me a huge wake-up call three years ago with Annie's death. Even though He's continued to bless my life with things like graduation from college, the start of my novel, and the greatest family in the world. I told Him I was so sorry...and I told Him I wanted today to be the day I left it all behind me. Today. I wrote for nearly two pages front-and-back and then signed my name at the end.
NO MORE.
I'm keeping the letter in my front desk drawer to look at as often as possible.
It almost seems impossible as I type this, quite honestly. Can I really go the entire rest of my life - fifty, sixty years perhaps - without EVER watching porn (or "pseudo-porn") again, without EVER masturbating again? But I look at that letter and see my sincere zeal to overcome this thing...and yes. Yes, I do believe I can do it. I'm not saying I'll stop struggling with SSA. I feel like this struggle is gonna be with me a long, long time (if not the rest of my life), and surely I'll have my good days and my bad ones as far as the thoughts in my head go. But the porn and masturbation? It has to stop. Those things have to be NO MORE in my life. I'm so indescribably sick of it. And I'm done with it.
During that service we sang one of my favorites ever, "Salvation is Here" by Hillsong United.
The great "coincidence" (aka God Thing) of it was that I had finally downloaded the song off iTunes a couple days before. So it had already been heavily playing in my head when we sang it during the service that day. I love the part that goes...
I know my God saved the day And I know His Word never fails And I know my God made a way for me It's gonna be all right!
I'm totally putting those words on an index card and sticking them to my ceiling above my bed so they're the first things I see when I wake up each morning. Powerful stuff. No matter WHAT this psychotic world throws at me, God's made a way for me to escape it...and "it's gonna be all right."
Two weeks without porn and masturbation. It's a banner achievement for me after the rough patch I hit in the immediate aftermath of my graduation from college. But I truly feel like things are gonna be different this time. I went like 7-8 months without porn last year and only masturbated once during that stretch, so who's to say I can't do something like that again (and do even better than that)? Whenever I get tempted, I'm gonna pull out that letter in my desk drawer and remind myself of this new commitment to Him.
We're thinking alike, brother. You'll be getting my weekly group message with reference to a daily check-on on areas of struggle and temptation. I'm going to track with you after a relapse myself.
i think it is that simple... yet it's tough at the same time. when i look back, and i've tried to just stop it on my own will, it may have worked at first, but i became even more and more tempted and ended up falling, and hard. but since i'm also celebrating 2 weeks free from masturbation and even longer from porn (since early-mid april, i think) when i look back, i do see how easy it was when i let God take over. while i'm doing SCF, my mentor from that constantly tells me to rely on God's power and not my own. i can see exactly why.
i'm glad it's going so well for you. check out www.settingcaptivesfree.com if you haven't already and let me know how it goes.
as far as me going to exodus, when i last talked to you, i seemed set on going. well the next day i wasn't so sure, but i think i'm going to again. i've made another attempt to contact my mentor from school, but it ended up being a voicemail. i plan to ask off work for it tomro so we'll see how that goes. once i hear back on that, i don't want to waste any time on registering and applying for financial help.
continue to pray. i'll keep praying for you too!
There are several favorite Scriptures I have, but I won't share them with you at this point. Why not? Because you need to seek God and find the Scriptures He'd offer you His grace through. "Stop it!" that's very good, but you need God's grace through His word to stop it. Do it through God's grace and you'll find you don't have to fail. God can't fail to overcome the world, so when you overcome through His grace, then you can't fail to overcome either.
God make His face shine upon you, and peace be with you,
Lonnie
I totally know how you feel!!!
I looked back and saw that I have come a loooong way with this struggle...
I realized one thing a few weeks ago that you will be always healed in the process of becoming more and more like Jesus...FOR REST OF YOUR LIFE...
Also, be aware that your SSA struggle isn't the only thing that you need to fix with help of Godl, but also other thing in your life such as relationship with individuals, including your father, how you think, how you talk, how you behave, and more...
You will dig deeply inside and discover something that you weren't aware of, then you will GIVE it to Him to restore you...
That is similar to let God "takes over you" to resist the temptation although I don't have the right to say this because I haven't experience that yet...
I'm learning to let God takes me over...it is not that easy...
Anyway, I know how you feel...
Remember this...with God, nothing is impossible!
So you can overcome what you hate!
Yours,
Azael
wow... wow. i'm appalled right now to be honest. i'll be posting a blog that has to do with this very issue tomorrow. how much i've changed in my thinking, all due to God's grace.
i won't go into detail now, so you'll have to wait til tomorrow... but the gospel of "Stop It!"... it's a sham. it does not satisfy nor does it fulfull. i'm appalled that that pastor even thought to structure his sermon as such, much less carry it out.
Comments (5)
We're thinking alike, brother. You'll be getting my weekly group message with reference to a daily check-on on areas of struggle and temptation. I'm going to track with you after a relapse myself.
i think it is that simple... yet it's tough at the same time. when i look back, and i've tried to just stop it on my own will, it may have worked at first, but i became even more and more tempted and ended up falling, and hard. but since i'm also celebrating 2 weeks free from masturbation and even longer from porn (since early-mid april, i think) when i look back, i do see how easy it was when i let God take over. while i'm doing SCF, my mentor from that constantly tells me to rely on God's power and not my own. i can see exactly why.
i'm glad it's going so well for you. check out www.settingcaptivesfree.com if you haven't already and let me know how it goes.
as far as me going to exodus, when i last talked to you, i seemed set on going. well the next day i wasn't so sure, but i think i'm going to again. i've made another attempt to contact my mentor from school, but it ended up being a voicemail. i plan to ask off work for it tomro so we'll see how that goes. once i hear back on that, i don't want to waste any time on registering and applying for financial help.
continue to pray. i'll keep praying for you too!
There are several favorite Scriptures I have, but I won't share them with you at this point. Why not? Because you need to seek God and find the Scriptures He'd offer you His grace through. "Stop it!" that's very good, but you need God's grace through His word to stop it. Do it through God's grace and you'll find you don't have to fail. God can't fail to overcome the world, so when you overcome through His grace, then you can't fail to overcome either.
God make His face shine upon you, and peace be with you,
Lonnie
I totally know how you feel!!!
I looked back and saw that I have come a loooong way with this struggle...
I realized one thing a few weeks ago that you will be always healed in the process of becoming more and more like Jesus...FOR REST OF YOUR LIFE...
Also, be aware that your SSA struggle isn't the only thing that you need to fix with help of Godl, but also other thing in your life such as relationship with individuals, including your father, how you think, how you talk, how you behave, and more...
You will dig deeply inside and discover something that you weren't aware of, then you will GIVE it to Him to restore you...
That is similar to let God "takes over you" to resist the temptation although I don't have the right to say this because I haven't experience that yet...
I'm learning to let God takes me over...it is not that easy...
Anyway, I know how you feel...
Remember this...with God, nothing is impossible!
So you can overcome what you hate!
Yours,
Azael
wow... wow. i'm appalled right now to be honest. i'll be posting a blog that has to do with this very issue tomorrow. how much i've changed in my thinking, all due to God's grace.
i won't go into detail now, so you'll have to wait til tomorrow... but the gospel of "Stop It!"... it's a sham. it does not satisfy nor does it fulfull. i'm appalled that that pastor even thought to structure his sermon as such, much less carry it out.