There must be more than this O breath of God, come breathe within There must be more than this Spirit of God, we wait for You Fill us anew we pray...
Ever get that tingling sensation when a song you've never ever heard before suddenly enters your life at the most eerily appropriate of times? I've had this experience lately with "Consuming Fire," a song from one of Hillsong's older CDs (but I believe the singer is the guy from Delirious?).
Anyway...that first verse says exactly how I've been feeling lately: that surely there must be more to life than what I've been seeing.
To catch y'all up on some things, my relationship with this girl I've been obsessing over has greatly diminished over the course of the past two weeks. I...I don't know what it is. But it's been 100% my fault. Absolutely. At some point, I suddenly realized I did not want to date her. At all. The thought of actually dating another girl frightened me to no end. I so wasn't ready. Not yet anyway. And so immediately in the wake of this realization, I sorta cut down my contact with her. I IM'd her less, texted her less, etc. She even blew up at me two Sundays ago, claiming that the friendship had suddenly become one-sided. Ouch.
She was spot-on.
Since then it's become somewhat less awkward between us...but I still make it a conscious point to chat with her less online. I don't know how to explain it, but suddenly I just feel...well, somewhat repelled by her. And we've been best friends since 10th grade. What's the deal? I guess I just don't want to hurt her. She told me last Sunday that she wanted to talk with me about something soon, and I can only imagine it has something to do with romantic feelings.
Bah...why is this is so complicating?
Amidst all this best friend / girl drama, I still (futilely) search for a job and try to figure out my future. Neither of which is proving all too fruitful right about now. And so with all this stress, I've been acting out via porn and masturbation. I'm way past the point of, "NOOOOO GOD I'M SORRRRRRY." Now it's more, "God...why? Why does this stuff continually have such a pull over me? What am I doing or not doing right? What's...missing?"
I need a change. I've known this for quite some time now, but I'm only feeling it more intensely now. There must be more than this. Surely, there must. I'm tired of this place I've called home for over ten straight years. I need to start a new chapter. To put it in writer's terms, I need a new setting, a new plot, new characters surrounding me; heck, I need an entirely new book.
But where oh where to go? Therein lies the problem: I know I need change, and yet I know not how to achieve it. I have no idea where I'd move to, what I'd do there, and how I'd sustain myself. But I know I need to go.
I've said it countless times to myself and to other people: I'm so glad God's given me this novel to work on right now. Without it, I truly think I'd be twirling around in an insane asylum right now. This story has most definitely kept me grounded and given me something to shoot for in the coming months. So, at least that. But still...there must be more than this.
I'm joining a fellow brother this week in an internet fast. Been needing a week like this for several weeks now, honestly. In the coming week I look forward to spending my time hopefully a little more wisely, and more importantly listening to what God may be trying to tell me right now about life.
Please pray for me, guys. I just...wanna know what's happening right now.
Stir it up in our hearts, Lord: a passion for Your Name...
If I get this full-time worship leading job I could use a roommate. Just saying, the church would be in Amish country and many a people could find their muse within such beauty
Also, I TOTALLY understand about the relationship thing. A similar thing happened when I tried dating a girl last winter. I thought it was right, she knew about my struggles even, things were going well, and I freaked out. Just remember that you're not doing anything wrong because you felt that way. Just keep going and pursuing God, a deeper relationship with Him is what we're seeking by walking away from this anyway.
@LittleDrummerBoy4Christ - For a while now I've actually been wanting to live in Amish Country someday. I love driving through there whenever I visit my family in Pennsylvania. Such beauty indeed!
That thing about the girl is depressingly familiar. There's that point where the excitement decreases and the hard work of actually doing something kicks in. I've been in the same pattern for a few months and want to do something to break that like tell her about my struggles.
He knows and He reigns through all our junk. Chris
Praying for you, Tom, during your fast.
Praying for you and trusting God to honor your request to meet with you and for the change you deisre.
Hey Tom,
I actually can relate about the song thing, and this particular song is incredible. With the girl, ya, just be patient with yourself and yes we must seek God and let Him be the entrance to any relationship. As for you seeking more than what you see or experience, maybe in your fast you can ask God to open your eyes...and suddenly, just suddenly, you may begin to see,selah!
I think writing a novel is really cool. I'm going to be pursuing english studies soon, as I have a dream to write a book about friendship
I will pray for you:)
Tom.
Girls. Man. Seriously. I understand. That's all I can say. Don't beat yourself up about it. I get it. We all do. I think writing in short sentences helps.
I'm going to pray for you. That's about all I have to offer right now.
-drew
Tom,
I have experienced the same disappointment with a girl before. I will pray for God's will for the relationship The story is not over yet!
About that idleness ----> insanity thing, many others are experiencing the same thing now. Seriously, this is the worst unemployment in the US since the Great Depression and I know many college graduates who apply for several openings a day but can't get a job, an interview, or even a rejection letter. One straight Christian friend of mine graduated from college, but then lost his girlfriend and had to move back home with his parents when his job fell through. He became so depressed that he stopped looking for a job, sat around the house too much, and started gaining weight. He has snapped out of it now and is pursuing good goals and using his time wisely.
You are doing the right thing to pursue your writing goals. I will also pray for God to provide wisdom and direction. We all need to help each other through this rough time.
I totally feel you on relationships and girls. Ugh. And the new setting, new book, everything.
Praying for you, bro. Btw, the singer is Tim Hughes.
Today is the day that God has made! Hi, I am new here to Xanga and just thought I would say hello. I am a Christian Videographer from Sacramento CA. If you would like to be friends on this website, add me! Hope God is BIG in your life! - Silas, www.silasbarker.com
Comments (11)
If I get this full-time worship leading job I could use a roommate. Just saying, the church would be in Amish country and many a people could find their muse within such beauty
Also, I TOTALLY understand about the relationship thing. A similar thing happened when I tried dating a girl last winter. I thought it was right, she knew about my struggles even, things were going well, and I freaked out. Just remember that you're not doing anything wrong because you felt that way. Just keep going and pursuing God, a deeper relationship with Him is what we're seeking by walking away from this anyway.
@LittleDrummerBoy4Christ - For a while now I've actually been wanting to live in Amish Country someday. I love driving through there whenever I visit my family in Pennsylvania. Such beauty indeed!
That thing about the girl is depressingly familiar. There's that point where the excitement decreases and the hard work of actually doing something kicks in. I've been in the same pattern for a few months and want to do something to break that like tell her about my struggles.
He knows and He reigns through all our junk.
Chris
Praying for you, Tom, during your fast.
Praying for you and trusting God to honor your request to meet with you and for the change you deisre.
Hey Tom,
I actually can relate about the song thing, and this particular song is incredible. With the girl, ya, just be patient with yourself and yes we must seek God and let Him be the entrance to any relationship. As for you seeking more than what you see or experience, maybe in your fast you can ask God to open your eyes...and suddenly, just suddenly, you may begin to see,selah!
I think writing a novel is really cool. I'm going to be pursuing english studies soon, as I have a dream to write a book about friendship
I will pray for you:)
Tom.
Girls. Man. Seriously. I understand. That's all I can say. Don't beat yourself up about it. I get it. We all do. I think writing in short sentences helps.
I'm going to pray for you. That's about all I have to offer right now.
-drew
Tom,
I have experienced the same disappointment with a girl before. I will pray for God's will for the relationship The story is not over yet!
About that idleness ----> insanity thing, many others are experiencing the same thing now. Seriously, this is the worst unemployment in the US since the Great Depression and I know many college graduates who apply for several openings a day but can't get a job, an interview, or even a rejection letter. One straight Christian friend of mine graduated from college, but then lost his girlfriend and had to move back home with his parents when his job fell through. He became so depressed that he stopped looking for a job, sat around the house too much, and started gaining weight. He has snapped out of it now and is pursuing good goals and using his time wisely.
You are doing the right thing to pursue your writing goals. I will also pray for God to provide wisdom and direction. We all need to help each other through this rough time.
I totally feel you on relationships and girls. Ugh. And the new setting, new book, everything.
Praying for you, bro.
Btw, the singer is Tim Hughes.
@Chrisjb7 - @carleton1958 - @josephscoat - @blessed_assuranc - @smith_drew - @joeliustook - Thank you, brothers, for all your insights and words of wisdom. I'm so blessed by all of you. You have no idea...Can't wait to soon share my experience from the past week of fasting.
Love you all. Tom.
Today is the day that God has made! Hi, I am new here to Xanga and just
thought I would say hello. I am a Christian Videographer from Sacramento CA. If you
would like to be friends on this website, add me! Hope God is BIG in
your life! - Silas, www.silasbarker.com