Me oh my crayfish pie, lo and behold, today is my birthday!

My Xanga birthday, that is. I've been eyeing this 24th day of October all month long, wondering what exactly I would say. A fellow blogger also recently celebrated his one-year birthday/anniversary on Xanga and did a line-by-line comparison of his life from his first entry a year ago to his life today. Mighty clever, I must say.

I thought about doing something similar for this special post o' mine, but rather than go through my first entry line-by-line, I'll simply allow you the easily accessible opportunity of glancing back with me. Click here for that thrill ride. Ah, the memories...

I look at my life today and my life a year ago and see some glaring differences - many good (great, even), and some, well, not-so-good. Oddly enough, one year ago I had a better grip (...wrong word, perhaps) on masturbation than I do today. Same goes with the lovely viewing material I had some trouble with several weeks back. To date, the second half of 2008 remains the "purest" stretch of time I've ever had with regard to this struggle. I'm not sure why this year has been harder for me to stay pure. Even after attending the Exodus conference in July.

And yet despite currently struggling with P/M more than I did a year ago, I've been incredibly blessed by this online community of brothers. I don't say it enough in these posts, and I know I don't talk with you guys one-on-one enough, but I want you each to know that I deeply treasure your input, your encouragement, your prayers, and your friendship. A year ago I knew none of you - which is such a wild thought. Now, I can't imagine my life today without having come across this incredible community. From Xanga to Facebook to ZOMGREALLYFE at Exodus, it's been an absolute pleasure getting to know each of you. And I sincerely pray I'll get to know y'all better in the coming year. As well as come across some new faces.

Take a moment to pray for these newcomers. They're out there, searching...somewhere...

A year ago my life was a whole lot more structured than it is now. I was in my second-to-last semester of college, busy with classes and blessed to have a steady job on campus. One year later, I have neither of those two things. I'm certainly grateful for no longer having to deal with the former (...for now, anyway...), but I'm anxious about no longer possessing the latter. I've applied at various places around the city, but have yet to hear back from anyone. I still have a little bit of money saved away, but it will only last me to the end of the year, tops. Plus, I have to start paying student loans in December. So...I need a job. Again, your prayers would be quite welcomed right now.

One year ago I was writing stories for a creative writing class; one year later, I'm writing a novel. Pretty crazy. As a general update for those of you that may not know, I've already finished my first draft and gone ahead and made most of the major changes that needed to be made upon looking over it. I'm now almost one-third of the way through my second draft as I twist and tweak various little things here and there. I hope to finish this thang by year's end. And then start looking into publishing...yikes.

So, I'm kinda "floating" right now, but I'm trusting God. Which brings me to this last topic...

I just wanna close this special entry with a reminder to you all that God is faithful. Recently I'd been reading and hearing a lot about "the Name of God." Two or three mornings in a row during my quiet time, I'd read about God's Name being described as a "strong tower" (Proverbs 18:10) among other such comforting/rescuing things. And then when I went to church on Sunday (for the first time in nearly a month due to vacationing and sickness), what did my pastor start preaching about? The Name of God. Of course.

I've found that God speaks to me a lot through things "aligning" like that. The other day I had been thinking about the song, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller, and suddenly I got a random "chain-text" from a friend with that exact song playing in the background. Another time I heard a song at church that I hadn't heard in years, years, years, and after mentioning it on Facebook, another friend said she'd just heard the same song herself for the first time in years at her church. Just one of those great, random things. Gentle reminders.


I've never really thought about the Name of God as being more than just that: a name.


But God's Name holds so much power. It's more than a Name. It's His character. His reputation. His unceasing faithfulness. Said David of the uber-scary Goliath, "The LORD, who delivered me from the paw of the lion and from the paw of the bear, He will deliver me from the hand of this Philistine" (I Samuel 17:37). I dig David. Whereas the Israelite army and even his own brothers rebuked him, scared to death of this nine-foot wonder, it was so ridiculously clearly black-and-white for young David: God had been faithful so many times before. Why would He walk away from His children now?

(Spoiler: Goliath died.)

You guys have been so encouraging to me this past year, and I hope I've been able to offer just an ounce of that back to you in return. 2008-2009 has been quite interesting. Lots of ups...lots of downs. But through it all, He is faithful. And I can't wait to see what 2009-2010 brings.

I hope you'll continue along with me in this crazy venture of life in the many years to come. We will overcome...by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11).

Blessings upon blessings,

tom

While so many great and amazing things occurred over my two-week trip up North, as written about in my last entry, I cannot ignore the bad, the horrible, the confusing, the shameful. As much as I so desperately wanted to just gloss over this portion of my trip, to pretend it never even happened, I just cannot bring myself to do that. I've been here on Xanga for nearly a year and feel I've done a pretty good job at honestly relaying where I am in my life, my walk. Why give up on that honesty now? Why sweep this dirt under the carpet, slide a cabinet over it, and pretend it never existed? What would be the point of this blog, then? And so, I'm coming clean.

Whenever there's talk of "bad" or some "horrible time" as I write on my blog, the issues of porn and masturbation cannot be far off. But "the bad" of my trip North entails so much more than repeated bouts with P/M. It entails an overall scary feeling of...pure apathy.

On October 6th, I posted an entry that sums this all up perfectly. The post was simply a quote from Donald Miller's hit book, Blue Like Jazz. A book I was actually reading through my entire time in Pennsylvania (yikes, it touched on so much of what I'm going through right now, from community to relationships to faith). How fitting:

"Every Christian knows they will deal with doubt. And they will. But when it comes it seems so very real and frightening, as if your entire universe is going to fall apart."

Toward the end of my time in Pennsylvania, I was avalanched with doubt. My walk in that moment could've been summed up with two words: so what? What in the world is the point of walking so arduously the straight and narrow? God, what?

When I first started messing around on the internet three years ago, I tried my darndest to slam on the brakes and slow that process down as much as possible. I told myself I'd only engage in that stuff once a week. I didn't want it to become something that utterly consumed and burned me on a daily basis. Because I knew it was wrong. And I did care.

Three years later, I still knew this was very, very wrong. And yet, when I engaged in watching these things at my grandparents' house ( ), I flatly said to myself, I don't care. I don't frikin care. And that was the difference this time. There was no loud screeching of the brakes. This was a full-on press to the gas pedal. And so for three days up North (and even two back home last week), I dived right in. Was it the "hardest" stuff out there to watch? No, it really wasn't. But it was my no-care attitude as I watched these things that, looking back, utterly scares me the most. Because I simply did not care. I felt entitled. I felt that God should just do something already to make me stop feeling these feelings, doing these things:

But no, God, don't kill off my grandparents or parents or siblings like You did with my dog. That'll only make me turn against You forever. Something positive here would be appreciated.

Perhaps I exaggerate my attitude slightly, but probably not by much. I'm telling you: entitled. I want, I need, I deserve. I'm quickly reminded of an Exodus workshop where it was said the slippery slope of temptation begins when we start turning the focus inward instead of looking upward, outward.

I think so much of my apathy had to do with my female friend who I'd driven up there with. The one I considered sharing my struggle with (but didn't). The one I potentially have romantic feelings for (...potentially?). And yet I didn't want a relationship with a girl right now. Right? Or did I? It was all messing with my head so very badly. And I sunk so very quickly.

The good news is, I am back. Back home, back to reality. Back to realizing that a life lived apart from the will of God is an endless, dismal quagmire, void of purpose and meaning. During my time amidst "the dark side," I definitely found myself further wondering what it'd be like...to be with another guy. And even as I come back to the light, I can't help feeling that I will fall again. To what degree, I don't know, but I do know I am human. And it scares me to think that one of these forthcoming falls will entail some kind of activity with another man. Though again, how "far" that activity goes, I do not know.

I'm actually quite disgusted with P/M at the moment, more than I can ever remember feeling, but I still can't shake this feeling of inevitability: that I'm doomed to fall once again. Someday.

I don't know, guys. I'm just going through an incredibly funky time in my life right now. I'm out of college, floating aimlessly without a job, trying to figure out if I really like this girl and if she really likes me back, and trying even harder to figure out if I even want a relationship (it would be my first) right now.

Amidst all this gut-wrenching confusion...I do honestly wonder, God. What's going on right now?